Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's Resolutions

The exercise of writing New Year's Resolutions always seemed inane to me.   I made them in the past, haphazardly, knowing they were things I had no intention of doing.  For example, one year I vowed to give up sugar,  and since people in my life are still talking to me (if I gave up sugar the withdrawal period would have basically severed all of my friendships), obviously, I didn't follow through with it.  This year, however, I decided to make very different types of resolutions.  Ones that I actually don't anticipate to complete within a year (low expectations mean a low rate of failure).  Some I won't keep--but others will be a work in progress.

1. Floss More:
This is one I won't keep.  

2. Stop Being Self-Conscious:
I don't think I'll get this one either, but unlike the first one, I will actually attempt this.   I waste so much time thinking about myself and what other people think of me.  I worry about how I hold my arms (which I feel is masculine).   I worry that I'm developing a FUPA.  I dissect my face daily in the mirror looking for zits, freckles, and wrinkles (I'm certain that I am prematurely aging and will look like the crypt keeper by 25). I agonize over the body parts I dislike; my stomach, my arms, my man-hands, my flat feet, my big Jew nose, my thunder thighs, the texture of my hair, my height...   But recently I realized, no one else cares.  I don't choose my friends by appearance, and I don't think anyone else does--except maybe Hugh Hefner.  If the worst thing someone can say about me is that I have a FUPA, then I'm doing ok.   Plus, I think (hope) all of these things are worse in my head.

3. Be Nicer to Myself:
As evidenced by #2 (insert poop joke here) I am my own frenemy.   Seriously, if I treated any one else the way I treat myself, I would be featured in a college psychology textbook in the chapter about "sociopaths".  I listen to myself speak and I instantly think, "What an idiotic thing to say," or I assess my life and realize I'm not where I want to be right now with my career and everything else, and I berate myself for being a failure.  When I'm feeling particularly Machiavellian I silently encourage myself to fall on my sword and give up.  I need to just stop it.  Objectively, there are a lot of people who suck way worse than me, but beyond that, there are lots of ways to be a failure.   I think the biggest failure is having no love in your life, and I have a lot of that.   

4. Do Something Every Day That Makes Me Happy:
If everyday is a gift, then I don't want to waste my gift only taking out the garbage and working on spreadsheets ( Unfortunately, I will still have to do both of these things).   But whether it's eating a piece of chocolate just because I want to goddamnit, or singing in the shower to country music and pretending I'm Dolly Parton (which I wouldn't really do...), or even just putting on a prettier bra instead of one that looks like it would be worn by a nun's lesbian aunt, I need to take the time daily to pepper my life with joy.

5. Stop Wasting My Time/Money on Beauty Magazines That Only Make Me Feel Ugly:
Again, I won't do this.   I should for my mental health but I need to know about Kim Kardashian's treatment to make her bowel movements smell like jasmine or Dakota Fanning's (or better yet, Dame Judy Dench's) secret pregnancy.

6. Attend To My Colon Health:
Based on commercials, apparently I should be taking fiber daily or eating that yogurt that makes you poop so I can have champion BM's and impress a fecal analyst (which I am told, everyone should have).  Again, I probably will not do this.

7.  Lose Those Last Five Pounds:
Haha, nope.  If that happened the world would fall off it's axis.

8. Smile More:
Then again, that might invite more creep attention, which I definitely get enough of.   Maybe pass.

9. Watch "Forest Gump"
I've never seen it.  And it's not that I actively don't want to, it's just that I haven't gotten around to it.  I see it TBS (which apparently plays it once a week, almost as much as "Pretty Woman") when I'm flipping channels and it's in the middle and we're already to Lieutenant Dan, or at the end when he (spoiler alert!) makes a shit ton of money from investing in Apple.  

10. Tell People I Love Them:
I don't do this enough.   I assume people know how much they mean to me, but they might not.   I should just tell them, although, this might lead to my life being very similar to an Oprah Reunion Special.

Those are my resolutions.  I definitely encourage you to comment with your resolutions this year--probably you have ones that are way cooler than mine.


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