Tuesday, June 19, 2012


--Today, one of my professors commented that she was trying to include some of my "Annie-isms" into her vocabulary. She said this after I said I was "jazzed" about something (I'm not sure what, but whatever) and she said, "I get pretty jazzed about X, too."  Now I've always prided myself on my colorful turns of phrase and I'm pretty "jazzed" others are starting to notice the great care and effort I put forth toward sounding fun and sassy.

I thought it would be a fun little exercise to share some of my greatest hit "Annie-isms" with you.  Now, disclaimer, I did NOT make most of these up.  I am not claiming to have done so.  I just thought it might be fun to read these out loud, and pretend its me next to you, whispering into your ear--but really, I can't whisper so the whole room heard whatever I just said.

Ways to Express Excitement:

-I'm jazzed!
-I'm stoked!
-I'm amped!
-I'm geeking out!
-On board!
-Tots McGoats!
-Big fun!

Ways to describe/demean others:

-That girl be cray cray (crazy)
-That guy is a chotch* or he is chotch*-tastic
* Synynom for "bro" a chotch pops his collar, ironically hi-fives, calls his friends "bro," "brah," or "broski," probably was a member of Sigma Chi, and he has a sense of entitlement because he a) grew up in martha's vineyard and/or is very rich b) thinks he's really good-looking c) thinks he's really smart (he probably is none of these things)
-That girl has been plowed more than a corn field/ that girl's legs have been split more than logs  (she has questionable morals said in a fun, folksy way)
-Bitch, nobody hit your buzzer! (Stop talking, no one cares what you think)
-Pump the breaks (slow down, calm down)
-Slow your roll (see above)
-You're grounded (said to another adult when they're being sassy)
-Hottie Patottie or Hottie Body (someone who is sexy)
-Jackwagon! (a more polite form of jackass--"some jackwagon just stole my barking space" )
-Ass clown (Asshole)

Randos (Random)

-Obvi (obviously)
-I'm sweating like a whore in church! (I'm hot)
-Fomo (stands for "fear of missing out")
-I'm going to pop my eardrums with a ballpoint pen (This is soooo boring or painful)
-under-gunders (underwear)
-beautiful strangers (breasts, as in "Oh wow, my beautiful strangers almost popped out")
-Redonc (Ridiculous)
-No prob, Bob (but, of course)
-I don't know about all that (whatchu talking about, Willis?!)
-Ultra-ed (When one, especially a specific one, gets drunk on Michelob Ultra)

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Make New Friends

I'm usually a pretty bold lass.  I've been known to strike up conversations with total strangers I find to be attractive (which is how I met my boyfriend, but in my mind I've reconstructed it so he approached me) and to always say exactly on my mind even if that is a jerking off motion in the middle of a meeting.   I don't mind drawing attention to myself and sometimes I mind my manners even less.   So, why is it that this past task was daunting beyond all comprehension?

What task you say?   Well, it was only an email.  But this email, involved asking a girl to be my new friend.   It's not my typical M.O. to beg for friendship, but after two weeks and few other promising leads, I'm getting a little desperate.   This particular girl, my parent's and my server at the restaurant we went to just after my parents finished helping me move in to my apartment (so, about two weeks ago).   That night the kitchen ran out of salmon and our order took forever and we were sitting outside and it started raining, just all bad things.  This server apologized and my parents and I after having been dealing with the fucktard movers just laughed and told her that we were having a wonderful, relaxing evening compared to the maelstrom of shit that had been going on the past few weeks.  She started chatting with my mom and dad and I, and when she heard I was new in town (as she herself had been just a few years ago) she gave me her card (she was a lawyer on the side--which shows how bad the economy is) and told me to get in touch with her if I needed anything.   I understood now, and I understood at the time, that this is what one calls an "empty promise."  She was just being nice and polite and she counted on the fact that someone, a grown adult, would never be stupid enough to actually try to cash in the offer.   Well, I wasn't stupid enough.   But I am desperate for companionship and if I can call her bluff and guilt her into hanging out with me even just once--mission accomplished.

Making new friends without current "wing friends" is next to impossible.   Getting dates?  Hell yeah, I could go to Barnes and Noble and walk away with some dude's number and a dinner invitation.  Now, don't misunderstand, I don't think I'm particularly attractive or even particularly adept at flirting--it's just that easy.   Anyone can get dates!   But friends?   It's not weird to ask a stranger on a date, it's super weird to ask a stranger on a friend date.  And it's also much worse to be rejected from a friend date than an actual date.  You can rationalize a real date rejection, "he just wasn't that into me" or, "there is no spark, no chemistry".  How can you rationalize that someone doesn't want to be your friend.   There is only one logical explanation--they don't like you as a human.  It's not that they don't want to bone you, it's that they don't want to occupy the same room, breathe the same air, and drink coffee with you.  Ugh. Talk about a blow to your self-esteem!

Just like money, you need friends to make friends, and damn it, I am a little in the red as of right now.  So, this deficit inspired me to make a bold move. and I kind of hope it doesn't blow up in my face.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

My Few Days in Grad School or Why It is Never A Good Idea to Be Yourself

It's been a year since I left school.   So upon starting grad school a week ago, I was feeling a little shaky and nervous about being back in the academic setting.  One of my biggest concerns, as was my biggest concern in first grade, is still, "But what if the other kids don't like me?"  So, always quick to be the social director, last week Wednesday I organized an outing for the following Saturday, with the hope that if all the students in my cohort got together socially, we would all let down our hair and get to know each other a little better.

A group consisting of me and six other people from my program met up in Fells Point (a frequent hot spot of the young professionals) for dinner and, it was my assumption, drinks afterward.  During dinner, I began to get the feeling that these were not necessarily my peeps.  Like, maybe these people weren't going to be my best audience.  Like, "oh shit, I'm so alone."   First, there was very little letting down of hair.   All everyone wanted to talk about seemed to be classes and homework assignments.   And not "fun" talking like, "Do you think our professor is a lesbian?" or "That book is instant Valium" but terrible, soul-crushing, "I am concerned about getting extra credit" minutia of the worst order.   One of my biggest pet peeves is people who flip out on the first day of class; asking for specifics on distant assignments, inquiries about extra credit, concern over material covered on a test, etc.   Everyone knows the first day of class is a run-out-the-clock situation where professors try to intimidate you into thinking their class will be challenging, but in reality, if you calm the fuck down and let things unfold as they will, everyone is fine.   Or, at least I thought everyone knew this.    I was ok (but annoyed) with the mind-numbing questions on the first day of class.  But not on Saturday night.  Not in a bar.  Not when a sister's trying to get her drink on.

Of course, since I am a well adjusted human being, the way I tried to combat this terribleness and inject a little fun into the situation was by encouraging frivolous talk and drinking.  This may have backfired.  I'm not only one of the youngest in my program, but now I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm the booziest.  And the ditziest.  Which sucks, because I promise I'm actually really smart!  And I mean, one can only talk about being passionately committed toward education for youths (youths: how ridiculous is that word?!  It was used so many times in orientation by my peers) so much.   Sometimes you need to make a dick jokes.   And I'm sorry, I refuse to participate in a one-upmanship conversation about who cares the most about suffering children.   Especially when there is a street full of bars in the near vicinity!

So basically the night was a bust.   I got drunk and flirted with the waiter (who brought the table free shots--you're welcome, guys) while comments directed at me ranged from merely boring to almost hostile.   I have been around enough mean girls to know that an insult followed by a "just kidding" is still an insult. Most bitchy comments disguised as jokes concerned my youth, inexperience, and proposed shallowness...but whatever.  It hurt my feelings, I won't say it didn't.  But at least now I don't have to pretend to like people for the sake of civility.   Ya'll opened that Pandora's box, and now...It's on, bitch.

  Everyone ended up leaving around 10 pm after dinner and one bar which was deemed too loud (it was a quiet dive bar with acoustic music).  I convinced one of my other cohorts to stay until midnight, but I was drunk and disappointed and frustrated that no one seemed to like me, so I'm sure I wasn't as "fun" a brand of tipsy as I'd have hoped.

So now, in class I roll my eyes and think, "Who are these people?!" to myself at various intervals, mostly when I hear the word, "youths". Everyone else is shocked and appalled by how insensitive I am, and also is probably questioning my ability to work effectively with children.   So that's fun.  Luckily I have some other avenues of friendship to pursue, but I'm telling you, when meeting new people--if you're me--"be yourself" is the worst advice possible.