Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Cut and Run

It's been many moons since I've written a blog--and for the most part it's because in my grad program all I do is talk about my feelings to a group of people who quite frankly could give a shit less.  Since this is generally what I have done on my blog in the past, I figured it didn't make sense to double-dip.

I do, however, think the time has come for me to write another blog.

Yesterday sucked.  Can I say that again?   Yesterday sucked.  One of the best friends I've ever known died three years ago yesterday.  His death caused me to question and reevaluate my relationship with God, as well as to run away to Europe.  The anniversary of his death is always a hard day for me, although not something I scream to everyone I encounter to remind them to be nice to me because I am fragile. Thus, when some conflict when down in one of my classes yesterday, I was phenomenally ill-equipped to deal at that particular instant.  Like, great, today of all days.   But it got me thinking...

When is it ok to cut and run?   I will make no bones about it, I am currently MISERABLE in grad school.  I know I want to be a school counselor and working with students makes me happy, but does that mean I have to stay in Baltimore where I am lonelier than all fucking hell? When we work with students who are having trouble, one of the first questions we ask is, "who is your support system?"   I have one.   I have a boyfriend who I love and who loves me exactly the way I am (even though that means I break a lot of shit that he has to subsequently fix), I have a group of friends who can drink with me at Tanks or cry with me as I ponder my place in the universe, still more friends scattered all across the globe but with whom I still share an impenetrable bond, and I have a phenomenal family who are on my side no matter what.   What more does one need in life, truly? If all that is waiting for me back home in Ohio--what the fuck am I doing here?!?!?!

Basically I'm wondering, at one point does my own happiness outweigh inconvenience?  I am thinking of transferring to a school back in Ohio, which, will be inconvenient.   I will have to move, re-apply, and ultimately I will become a counselor later than I would if I just decided to stay and tough it out in Baltimore.  On the flip side of the coin, isn't life too short to spend it doing something that you hate?   At the end of the day aren't the people you love and who love you all that matters?   My friend who passed away touched the life of every single person he met and it was a honor to have known him.  He was gone, however, in an instant.  This reminds me life is fleeting.  If I were to die tomorrow what would I do?  Finish my homework?  Make arrangements so that my furniture could go to storage?  No, I'd be on the first plane, train, bus, rental car, or rickshaw home to Ohio.  Does that mean I have my answer?

I don't know.   I don't want to throw away the time and money and effort I've heaped into moving to Baltimore and starting grad school, but I also know, the only time I feel human is when I'm home visiting or when people from home are visiting me.  Do I want my life to be just a prison sentence for the next 9 months?! I've pulled a ninth month stint before though in all fairness, and I can't remember it as being that bad.  I am referring of course, to the time I spent gestating inside my mother.

And of course some people may say the fact that I'm allowing my feelings to be a possible deciding factor makes me over-dramatic or a quitter or a weak person.  I haven't made my decision yet, but I don't see anything weak about removing oneself from a horrible situation that makes one unhappy.   And I also don't see anything weak about staying and getting what you came for.  

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