Today, in a burst of creative energy, or let's face it--unproductive boredom and apathy--I decided to chronicle the thoughts floating through my head the entire day. Why? Firstly, because I suffer from a particularly rabid brand of narcissism which leads me to mistakenly think anyone cares about my own inane thought synapses. Secondly, there has been more than a few times in my life in which people have asked exasperatedly, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" and this will prevent today from being a time that they will ask such a question, because after referring to the list below, they will know.
1. I wonder what my hair looks like under a microscope
As I was watching E! News and eating my oatmeal today, I saw an infomercial for a product called "Wen," which is a cleansing conditioner and thus don't dry out your hair the way the sulfates in shampoos do. I love informericals, especially when they get scientific, such as during the "Wen" infomercial when they showed a microscopic photo of a hair follicle before and after using Wen. My hair has been looking a little dull lately. This sequence of events inspired the thought above.
2. Why is there a Saab at the Goodwill auto auction lot?
As I was driving through Vandalia to drop off some fliers, this little gem popped into my brain. I totally understand the Volkswagen "Thing", the Oldsmobile '88, and the Honda Del Sol. But who donates a Saab? What could the tax write-off possibly have been?!
3. My God, I am no oil painting
While looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, noticing my mascara was smeared, my tummy is bloated, and my hair is frizzy. Bonus Points: I have a zit that almost has healed enough to be mistaken for a Cindy Crawford mole instead of a devastating and recurring skin condition.
4. Does anyone actually USE Bing?
Hello Google? This is Bing...you win. Why Bing is the default on my desktop is absolutely and completely beyond my comprehension. I was looking for an address and it completely and utterly failed me. So I checked Google and what I needed was THE FIRST LISTING. There is probably one guy in the word who actually likes Bing; I imagine he also drives a Pinto, inhales chips with Olestra, and has a Discover card.
5. Good for you, Khloe Kardashian. If I had a sister you looked like Kim and I looked like you, I would have given up a long time ago.
I don't watch "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" so I don't know if she has a nice personality (as if watching a Reality TV gives you any insight into a person's Psyche) all I know is she has a jawline you could cut glass on and has a normal woman's body. Unfortunately, she is consistently photographed next to Kim, who is a goddess. I saw an article in people that Khloe's lost 10 lbs. Good for you, but seriously, I'd be mad at God for fishing from the shallow end of the Kardashian gene pool if I were you.
6. Why does a birthday card to a significant other consist either of sex invitations or creepy gushing?
Matt's birthday's tomorrow and I wanted to pick him out a nice card. My choices were weird leopard print cards that said, "I'll blow out your candles," or cards with flowers and calligraphy that said things like "Happy Birthday, counterpart of my soul." Sorry Matt, I'm pretty sure Ben and Jerry's Americone Dream ice cream is the counterpart to my soul. I am, however, fond of you. I settled on getting a card with a stupid pun that was intended for a ten year old boy.
That pretty much does it. I mean, I thought other things of course but that's a pretty accurate sampling. You don't want to be inside my head? God, just imagine how I feel.