Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Ode to Claire

These past couple days when I skulk into my office there has been a definite void.   Usually, my first stop when I walk into the office is to the cubicle directly across from mine, where coffee in hand, I shared my trials and tribulations with my favorite Irish coworker.   Whether it was tales of woe regarding my love-life, work-life, or hell, life in general or rare shinning occurrences of bliss--Claire could always be counted on to listen, laugh at the appropriate times, or say something, usually something Irish ("Bloody hell, girl.   That's shite!") to commiserate. Without Claire, I'm forced to just sink into my chair and begrudgingly go to work. 

Claire has moved on to greener pastures, and for the record, I couldn't be more thrilled for her.   I look at working here as putting in time--She put in her two years and left before she could be institutionalized, very much like Shawshank Prison.   Still, the loss of one of my best friends, best sources of entertainment, and that certain Irish chutzpah in the workplace is rough.  Every time I walk by her desk and see that instead of being covered with Organic Veggie Chips, perfume, dove chocolate, and masses of paper, it's wiped clean, I die a little inside.    So, for this blog, I am tipping my hat to my favorite Irish lass.   A ball of energy, cut from the same cloth as I, with 2 parts cynicism, and one part shinning optimism, and 1 part pure empathy, Claire will be missed in this office--by everyone, but especially by me.

Another reason that I think I bonded so quickly with Claire, is that, like me, she has the same ability to attract weirdos.  One evening at our favorite bar, for instance, Claire struck up a conversation with a deaf, black rapper named "Deaf Jeff".  He wrote all his sick grooves, but being deaf, he couldn't exactly rap, so he had a friend of his actually rap his words.    That night, Claire had no problem taking the CD he offered for her to listen to.   She had no problem listening.    She did, however, have a problem when Deaf Jeff demanded to hang out again.    He even went so far as to have friends of his text her, insisting she return his "demo CD".   When SHE insisted she A) was married B) had no interest in hanging out C) would not meet him face to face to return the CD--he buckled.   Still, I will never forget going back to the bar and explaining to the waitress that we were going to leave the CD at the bar, and should a black, deaf, gentleman wander in, the CD marked "Deaf Jeff" is meant to be returned to him.  She started the request with, "I have a strange favor to ask of you..."   Quite the understatement.

For legal reasons I cannot share all the fun and mischief Claire and I got ourselves into, usually with Sam, like three partners in crime--but, I will let her speak for herself.  In a list she compiled, known as, "Irishisms".   We love and miss you, Claire.

Oh suffering Jesus
Fecking eejit! (idiot)
Thick Gobshite (fool)
‘the fear’…when you wake up with a rotten hangover and your all jittery and paranoid.
‘handbags at dawn’- when a couple have been drinkin a lot then they start fighting after the pub closes…usually on the street.
I’d eat a childs arse through a chair (im starving)
Id eat a nuns fanny through a convent gate
I’d eat a horse between two scabby mattresses
That lad would peal an orange in his pocket (hes that stingy)
D’ya fancy a jar? (wanna go for a pint?) 
Couple a jars (a few pints)
A swifty or a swift half….(goin to go for a quick drink)
Goin to see a man about a dog…(what a man tells his wife and kids, as he’s goin to the pub)
You’ve a neck on ya like a jockeys bollox (you have some nerve)
Fuck me pink and call me rosey!  (jaysus im rightly shocked!!)
Havent seen ya in ages! (ages- long time)
Ask me bollox!
Go and shite!
I feel as rough as a dogs arse!
As scarce as hens teeth
As useless as tits on a bull!
Aul wan- (older woman)
Aul lad- (older man)
Babby (baby)
Queerhawk- (strange bird)
Banger (old car or a sausage)
Bells (time- ‘its ten bells’)
Bleedin deadly- (brilliant)
Bogs, jacks- (toilet)
Bollocking (berate…’jaysus he gave me a right bollocking’)
Shebeen- words for a pub
Chinwag- (chat)
Clattering up and down the stairs like a pair of Clydesdales (running up the stairs loudly!)
Cracker! (brilliant)
B’yore!  (a rough slutty lookin woman)
Dogs bollox (that lad thinks hes the dogs bollox and the cats pyjamas)
Do a bunk or do a flit (run away.)
Ya dry shite! (you boring person)
Dressed to the nines or all tarted up (dressed in your Sunday best clothes!)
Effin and blinding- (cursing and swearing)
Flagon (2 litre bottle of cider)
Flummoxed (perplexed)
Take a gander (have a nosey look)
Gawk- (to stare)
I couldn’t give a shite!
Gobsmacked (pretty shocked)
Holy Joe (someone who thinks they are really holy)
Ya haven’t a snowballs chance in hell!  (you have no chance)
I’ve a right throat on me (im parched for a beer)
Jammers (packed with people)
Kick in the bollox (bad news)
Langers/bullafants, shitfaced, mouldy, pissed, mangled, manky drunk
A lock in- when a pub locks people in after hours so the pub looks closed from the outside.
Leggin it (to run)
Like a blue arsed fly (when you are v busy) ‘im running around like a blue arsed fly’
Minerals (soft drinks or pop)
He’s a right molly or nance or nancyboy (hes effeminate)
Mingin (dirty, manky)
Me oul stegocia, me oul flower (my buddy)
Massive (deadly, brilliant) (or very good looking)
Molly coddle (over protect a child)

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