Wednesday, October 19, 2011


I've had a somewhat tempestuous relationship with faith.  Literally and figuratively.   Faith is the name of my first boyfriend's mom who I thought of as a second mother/best friend until she called me a bitch and said I was the worst thing to ever happen to her son.   So that's tempestuous.    But in terms of the concept, faith has always been a bit hard for me to achieve.

When people ask what religion I am, I always hesitate.   I was raised Catholic, but I am probably a "fallen Catholic" to most of the party-line people.   I mean, I suffered through the glares of my father throughout my entire childhood when I dared to move my head away from a direct line to the priest, but I also think the Pope is fallible.  In fact I think he's basically a goofy caricature terrified of sex and trying to eradicate it by spewing bullshit like condoms are useless against aids.   I mean come on, look at the guy's hat and big red shoes.   He's ripe for parody.    And I also think God probably has better things to do than hate gay people and couples who live together before marriage. There are fundamentalist Christians on earth to cover that.   Ok, ok, so you get the point.   I am the worst. But surprisingly to most people, none of that means I don't believe in God, or that I don't want very much to have an active relationship with Him.   But this is something I'm private about.   While I will chat up to a complete stranger about that time a condom (which was given to me as a joke by my sister) fell out of my wallet in the middle of my high-school AP Gov class and everyone saw it, or share any delightful tidbit about my dating mishaps, I don't talk about my religious beliefs.   Like at all.     It's always just been part of my life, there so constant and unwavering I don't worry it's not always apparent--like a phantom limb.  Also, I don't want people to think I'm sitting in judgement or that I'm insane and religious people have a reputation for both.

Lately however, I've dusted off my faith and started relying on it more heavily.   It's really difficult and if I'm being honest here, I'm pretty much equal parts angry and scared.   I'm angry because I have delusions of grandeur, and even though I'm only 23, I thought I would be a much more impressive 23 than I currently am.   This really bothers me.   Sometimes I find myself looking at people and wishing I could have their lives--and my criteria isn't very advanced.   The other day the smiling face on a Hooter's Girl was enough to make me think, "I wonder what it would be like to be her."  My own skin just feels itchy and uncomfortable sometimes.   I'm scared because I've finally realized I'm not in control.   And this is terrifying.   The older I get the more I realize life is a crap shoot, and to a certain extent all you can do is brace yourself.

Here's to hoping I find my faith without losing my edge, because as George Michael says, faith is something you "gotta have".

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