Monday, October 31, 2011


Just a special glimpse into my upbringing for all of you.  My father is very much a fan of musicals, thus I was (and am) quite a big fan as well.  One of my most beloved possessions as a child was a compilation CD of Andrew Lloyd Weber musicals--probably explaining why, as a young child, I had a fairly insurmountable crush on the original Phantom of the Opera, Michael Crawford, even though he was never featured in a Tiger Beat Magazine alongside Kirk Cameron.  Anywho, because of this Andrew Lloyd Weber CD, one of my defining thoughts about Baltimore comes from a song called, "Take that Look Off Your Face," from the musical, "Tell Me On A Sunday."  Which is about a woman whose husband is tragically cheating on her.  In the song, a nosy frenemy tells the main character she saw her husband with another woman.  The main character than sings;

"You must be mistaken,
It couldn't have been
You couldn't have seen him yesterday.
He's doing some deal down in Baltimore now,
I hate it when he's away"

So, for this reason, I associate Baltimore with being an alibi for a cheating man.   So, of course, secretly being a fabulous gay man trapped in a straight woman's body, I was very excited to actually go to Baltimore because of this dramatic association.  

Also, returning back to me being a normal human, I was excited because I've never been, heard very exciting things about the harbor, and I love me some crabcakes. 

Well, let me just say this, Baltimore is awesome.  I had one of the best weekends I've had in a while, which was in no way dampened (pun intended--I am a comedian, much in the tradition of Tina Fey)  by the continual spitting/sleet rain or because I had to fly there and I hate flying/

I don't hate flying for the reason normal humans do--I am not scared of it.   I like to sit on a plane and look out the window and revel in how high I am.  What I do not like, is being surrounded by stupid people who smell.  That's why I avoid Applebee's restaurants and amusement parks.   When you fly, however, these people are unavoidable.  By the time I arrived in Baltimore Friday night I had had my fill of people staring blankly at user-friendly signs and asking, "Where is gate C14?" aloud like it was the riddle of the Sphinx instead of a clearly marked destination six feet to the right.  I also, having endured six other people laden, nicotine deficient hours, was ready to shake a human baby until the noise stopped.   Needless to say, when Curt cheerily called and told me he was there to pick me up my response was a full rotation of my head and to snarl that I couldn't discuss logistics with him at until I was able to find some place to basically eat the butt of my cigarette.  

Despite that rough start, Curt took me to dinner Friday night and supplied me with a crab cake the size of my head and a decent amount of gin, so I was happy.  Then on Saturday we actually did impressive Baltimore sight-seeing.

We took the light-rail into the harbour area and went to the National Aquarium, which features huge sharks, an impressive array of turtles, and best of all, frolicking happy little dolphins.   I was like a kid in a candy store, especially in that I pushed the other (children) viewers out of my way frequently and made fish faces at the fish, who I can only assume appreciated my effort to relate to them on their own level.  The aquarium has glass walls and is several stories high, so the view of the harbor from the top is impressive.  

View from the Top!

Ignore the fact that I look like a very simple-minded hunchback.  That's just the camera...

The best part of Baltimore, however, was not the aquarium or the breath-taking view of the harbor.  It was delicious baby cow.   Milk fed baby cow.   Milk fed veal from an a-maz-ing restaurant in little Italy were I was called, "Senorita" or whatever miss is in Italian, and served more San Pellegrino almost instantly after I ran out.   Little Italy in Baltimore is everything you would hope it to be, if all you hope for is lounge-y places and good food, which is basically what I want from a Little Italy.  By the end of the meal, I was feeling so "rich" I almost tried to buy the crown jewels like in that commercial, and by that I mean I did no such thing.

Baltimore, however, is awesome, so if you are a cheating man in need of an alibi, or just traveling, I recommend it highly. 

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