Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Bah Humbug!

You know how there are tell-tale signs for serial killers; torturing animals, bed wetting, lack of recognition of facial emotions; etc?   Well, for the way people react to my lack of enthusiasm about Christmas you would think "lack of holiday spirit" was  also an indicator.

It's not that I don't like Christmas.  I do.   I love listening to Christmas carols and baking Christmas cookies and watching "Love Actually,"--only I do those things no earlier than the 22nd of December.  News flash people: Christmas is ONE day.  December 25th.    So why are my ears already bleeding from Christmas carols when I try to walk into the Barnes and Noble and buy a memoir about incest?   Why do I see Christmas lights up already?   Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet, and I don't know about you, but I think that the poor little holiday in which we celebrate stealing land from the Native Americans by eating more in one meal than children in third-world countries get in a week--deserves more than to be bulldozed over on the road to Christmas.

My coworkers are planning a "fun" activity in which we decorate Christmas cookies (like little snowmen and reindeer) for our volunteers the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  I love baking for Christmas!  With my mom.   A few days before Dec. 25th.  Also it helps when I will get to consume them.   But for my volunteers?  I don't want to give them cookies, and I certainly don't want to waste a day actually making them.  You know what I really want to give my volunteers for Christmas--a wicked case of hemorrhoids--with a note that says, "You've been a pain in my ass.   Now here's a pain in yours." Now of course, my opinion on this makes me unpopular.   And I get a lot of, "but don't you want to spread holiday cheer?"  Not particularly.   Does that make me a bad person?

Also, I hate all the consumerism surrounding Christmas.   I have no problem with kids writing letters to Santa Claus and being so excited they pee a little when they see piles of presents underneath a tree.   I do, however, have a problem with stores opening for Black Friday at 10pm on Thursday night (what says holiday spirit more than cheating your employees out of Thanksgiving dinner with their families?!) and with Black Friday in general and with "iPads" as a stocking stuffer. As far as I'm concerned, the best thing about Black Friday is that it acts as a natural selection process because some dummies always die every year from getting hit by a car after they parked on the highway because outlet mall parking was full.  I do not shop on Black Friday.  Nor do I really "shop".  I buy four gifts, only for my immediate family.  And I love doing it--because I don't go into debt in the process nor do I feel pressured or obligated by some cooperate concocted "Magic of Christmas" bullshit. 

So, ok, you can say I'm a Scrooge because I want a haul a dead tree up 5 flights to my apt., nor will I listen to Christmas carols before advent even starts , nor will I buy my acquaintances/coworkers a half-assed "bargain" gift they will throw away anyway.  I will, however, watch "A Christmas Carol" with my Dad on Christmas Eve.  I will help my mom bake and decorate.  I will attend Midnight Mass, and feel the hope and joy of the newly dawning year.  I will also drink lots of wine.  Isn't that the true meaning of the holidays?

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