Sunday, November 13, 2011

Body Issues and Other Things if You're Male You Probably Don't Want to Read

I know I am around chicks too much.   I know this because I am in the process of applying to Grad Schools, and in the program for which I'm applying there are 74% women and 26% percent men.   And my thought, was not, as you would imagine, "Only 26% percent men,"  it instead was, "Hot damn, that's going to feel like the sausage buffet at Schmidt's!"   There is only ONE man at my office.   The janitor, or as he probably prefers, the facilities manager.   However, one of his main tasks is cleaning the tampons out of the feminine hygiene boxes so it seems like we're just splitting hairs.  

One of the perks of working in an office full of women, is that I never have to feign interest about a football game/UFC Match/Maxim Calendar/E.D. Pill, as I imagine would happen were I conversing with men every morning (which is something I don't do very much, upon further reflection, I doubt they talk about their E.D. at work).  I do however, have to feign interest about babies/Spousal disputes/children in general/periods, so I guess it all evens out.   I generally very much like working with women but one of the things I dislike--all this body image talk.  

Literally every day someone bemoans their fat stomach or flabby thighs (ok, most of the time it's me) but instead of receiving a blank look as I would in a group of males, I am instead fed and encouraged by more  body talk.  It's like, "I will see your cottage cheese ass and raise you a cankle."  I am sick of this.   Mostly because it absolutely helps no one to be encouraged to air their fears of inadequacy.

This weekend, I went out with my friend and even then I could not get away from the same issues that follow me around the water-cooler at work (full disclosure: we do not have a water cooler).  While I was dancing with a real winner in a Kangol Hat, ala L.L. Cool J in 1993, my friend was told by Kangol's friend that he liked her better than me because she was"thick."  He meant this as a compliment. Now while I have to admit my first emotion was blind jealousy and rage (because BOTH of these gentlemen seemed soooo quality), my second was disgust.  Why do men think that's an okay thing to say?   I don't go up to men and say, "I dig your weak pec muscles.  I like that we both have boobs, but mine are still bigger than yours."   Although, I think maybe if I did, that man would probably be flattered, stupidly, so I don't know if I have any more to say on that issue.

"'Why can't we accept the human form as it is?' screams no one." -Tina Fey

Agree.   While I bemoan the expectations of society, I will be the first to take advantage of any mechanism to trick people into thinking I am more attractive. Tina Fey says, "I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion.  It is appalling and a tragic reflection of the moral decay of our society...unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool."  I would even go so far as to say you could replace "push-up bras," "spanx," or "extreme waxing," will Photoshop and the same would apply.   I employ one or all of these methods almost every time I get ready for an occasion.  
I often remind myself of the montage scene in "Mrs. Doubtfire,"because I have equal or more trouble than does Robin Williams shaving my legs without nicking them, snapping my bra, putting on my panty-hose, and zipping my dress.   I am the worst at being a woman. 

Thank God I'll hopefully soon be swimming in 26% testosterone.  Giggity.

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