You know that time when you were 23 and partied every weekend and happy hour'd every weeknight? Me neither. I think I've skipped the stage were I do really fun reckless things and have bolted ahead to the existence of a 50 year-old nun. Who also is a lesbian. If you're wondering whether or not you were a little too diligent getting over that hill and showed up 30 years early--you're in luck. Here are 5 surefire ways to identify whether or not you've peaked too soon.
5. You have a cat. Actually that doesn't mean anything. You really need to be concerned if you have a cat that you sometimes refer to as "the light of my life," and fret about her abandonment issues when you leave for work in the morning. Also if you drive 20 minutes out of your way once a month to get the special cat food that supposedly makes her poops less smelly. It's also stupid expensive.
4. You get excited when there is a Law and Order: SVU marathon on USA, because it means you have your entire day planned out. Added bonus: You feel you're on a hot date because Elliot Stabler gets your proverbial penis off the couch every time he gets in a perp's face and says, "You prey on innocent women, you think that makes you a man?!"
3. You take bubble baths with vodka, gin, a bottle of wine, or (if you can swing it) a Mich Ultra. Bonus points if you sometimes listen to the soundtrack from "Annie," Liza Minelli showtunes, or any Josh Groban CD. Triple bonus points if your think to yourself how much you "really deserve this."
2. You forget that parties are fun. You will look at your friends and say things like, "All that loud music, people all over the place, cheap beer--No Thank You." They nod politely and pretend what you said wasn't completely alien and disturbing--like the time you mentioned that you think its annoying when sex lasts longer than ten minutes. When you are invited to parties (which is rare) you make excuses because Law and Order: SVU is on.
1. You are able to spend a half hour of your life making a list about why you're a lame person. Womp Womp.