Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Deal breakers

I think everyone (except maybe serial killers, and Diana Ross.   Oh wait, that's redundant) is seeking a human connection.   People like to meet new people and it's sometimes difficult to tell whether you and this new person will be best friends, acquaintances, pity dates, or mortal enemies.  Many people deal with this problem by slowing getting to know someone and making a decision based upon the relationship as it develops.  These people are lame.  In today's fast paced world, who had that kind of time?  The best way to know if someone is worth getting to know is to come up with a list of "red flags".  If a red flag pops up, game over.   Transaction terminated.   

Here is a sampling from that list.  

1. Using the phrase "mentally tough"
2. Using a percentage above 100% to add emphasis (e.g. "I gave 110%")
3. Saying, "I made a 360 degree turn," when you mean that you changed.  360 degrees would put you in the same place, duh.
4.  Asking me about my "goals," not in a job interview, rehab center, or during a fitness consultation.
5. Recommending any self-help book
6. Describing yourself as a "foodie"
7. Wearing a pinkie ring
8. Wearing a T-shirt you could buy in Daytona beach ("FBI: Female Body Inspector" or just the outline of boobs)
9. Ordering off the kid's menu at a NICE restaurant, like, as in you had to request to see a kid's menu 
10. Telling me why you think as a true Christian, one must interpret the bible literally
11. Denying evolution
12. Denying the Holocaust
13. Using the phrase "liberal elite," in earnest
14. Tucking a T-shirt into your khaki shorts if you're under 50 (the last caveat was added for my dad, but in his case it's a polo, so it's ok)
15. Telling me you wish Sarah Palin would have run for President for any reason other then a campaign full of phenomenal SNL sketches 
16. Using the phrase "guesstimate"
17. Liking Nickelback
18. Thinking Nicolas Cage is a good actor
19. Admitting a secret desire to have a mail-order bride
20. Once have been featured on "To Catch a Predator"
21. Using any of the following pet names without irony, "Boo," "Baby Doll," "Cupcake," or "Snookums"
22. Being offended by a well told, funny off-color joke.
23. A thin, scraggly mustache, more commonly referred to as "the trash stache"
24. Referring to your wife as "the missus" or "my old lady".   Referring to your husband as "my hubby"
25. A fondness for Glenn Beck
26. Liking Nascar
27. Watching Pro-Wrestling
28. Boys with eyeliner
29. Practicing Scientology
30. Babbling nonsense about "chi," "auras," or "energies."

There you have it, my 30 insta-clues that I should not continue whatever relationship I have with this person, because obviously we will never like each other.  And I'm kind of rigid, I ended a date in the middle of dinner because the guy mentioned how he was, "Mentally tough."  Now, before you go sending me hate mail, these are my dealbreakers, but I certainly understand they are not everyone's.  I'm not arrogant enough to assume that just because I like don't like something its inherently bad.  That being said, I would have a rough time overlooking most of these.  

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