Sunday, April 17, 2011

Great Expectations

If not apparent from my last posting, I'm what some people might call a cynic.  And unfortunately, most cynics are also romantics, romantics who have been disappointed.   That's certainly true of me.  And since I'm also sort of self-involved and introspective (if you couldn't tell by the sheer fact that I have a blog devoted entirely to myself), I spent the better part of today thinking about who I am and what I really want.   And I realized I have some pretty great expectations.   Maybe that's why lately I've been feeling like things are a little less stellar than I expected.

Remember that feeling you got when you were little after your birthday party?   I used to start getting excited about my party by July (my birthday's in September) and I envisioned circuses, clowns, a four-tiered birthday cake, and Elton John serenading me with "Tiny Dancer" at my party (ok I didn't know who Elton John was then, but in hindsight that's what I should have wanted).  In reality I usually got pissy because I won "pin the tail on the donkey" but couldn't get a favor since it was my party and I needed to be a gracious host.  After opening duplicate presents and spilling juice on my new pink dress, I usually ended up sobbing into my dad's lap because it wasn't nearly as much fun as it was supposed to be.
I'll cry if I want to!
This theme has carried on.   I dreamed about my first high school dance--I had my eye on the hot boy from Young Life and I tried to nab him with, what I can only in hindsight decipher was meant to be flirting, and get him to escort me in my spangled gown.   What happened instead?   I wore a pretty bitchin' spangled gown but alas, instead of some hot christian man candy, I was reluctantly escorted by my platonic elementary school guy friend.  Who I'm sure was bribed by my mother, his mother, or a combination of the two.  

So here I am, about to graduate college with honors, young and bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and the world should be my oyster.   Instead I'd prefer if the world were my all-you-can-eat raw bar, preferably paired with a large bloody mary.
I see no downside...
So with graduation less than a month away, today, I asked myself,  "Annie, are you happy?"  And the answer wasn't what I wanted it to be (for those of you not big on subtlety, that means the answer was "no").   True, I could just be scared about graduating--the prospect of having spent a small fortune on college and ending up homeless and jobless, qualified only to fold sweaters at the Gap--and while that certainly doesn't make me want to dance the horah, I don't think that's really the problem here.   And as great as they are, for once I don't think the problem is my expectations.  I really empathize with Third Eye Blind, I do want something else, to get me through this, although unlike in the song, the something I want isn't crystal meth.  Although, that might be easier, because I'm pretty sure there's a meth lab juuuuuust down the street... and I can't put my finger on what the something else is that I want.  

1 comment:

  1. I read a good piece of advice online today (good advice on the internet! I know, right?!?) and it said if you don't know what you want, think instead about what you don't want and avoid those things. Then, in avoiding what you don't want, what you do want should come into focus. Kinda sage if you ask me.