Saturday, April 23, 2011


Recently, the topic of children has come into my life more than it ever needs to.   My biological clock is not ticking...and if it were I'd hit the snooze alarm on that bitch.   But still, it's seeming like every time I turn around children are creeping and crawling and big, sticky, pudding-pop covered fingering their way into my conversations.

It started yesterday at Bob Evans with my friend Katie.   We were discussing MTV's show "Sixteen and Pregnant" and congratulating ourselves on graduating from college and not disgracing our parents with a little love-child sophomore year of High School.   I told Katie what REALLY freaked me out, is that once when I was loafing around on the couch at my parent's house, watching "Sixteen and Pregnant" I said to my Dad, "Oh my gosh, what would you do if I got pregnant?!" and he said, "Well now, I'd tell you that you're a 22 year-old and to start loading up on diapers."   Quarter-life crisis moment?   What used to be completely unacceptable is now okay for people in my age group, nay, even appropriate.  While being engaged in High School would have been so trash-tastic, now it's sort of  what people are doing.   A girl I used to cheerlead with in High School, two years older than me, who has been married for two years, is having a baby.   And since she's married and established, it's not an embarrassment to her friends and family, but a joyous occasion!

Katie and I both agreed that while such things might be ok for other humans, they're not on our agenda. Although we agreed sometimes it's totally fun to bobble a baby and sniff it's little head and then pass it off to the appropriate authorities when it poops, cries, or in any other way inconveniences us.  We felt the issue was resolved.   But then, later at home, when I was innocently facebook-stalking people, my sister sauntered into the kitchen and plopped down a magazine.  "Have you read about the tiger mom?" she asked.   I hadn't.   Apparently, this evil Chinese woman who is a law professor at Yale wrote a book about how she raised her kids, "the Chinese way"; barring them from sleepovers, television, or school plays, making them practice the violin for hours on end, and even returning a card her nine year old daughter made her saying, "next time you make me a birthday card I'd like you to put a little more thought and effort into it.   I reject this."   And my sister said, "Ok--I know you're going to think I'm terrible--but I kind of agree with her on the point that all Western kids are entitled and lazy.  It's out culture."    So I found myself defending the West's child-rearing practices... again, why am I even talking about children?
The exact and terrifying Magazine Jeanie handed me...

Finally, as if to top off a weird cosmic theme, Jeanie and I went out with three of her guy friends from High School last night, and as we were sitting around chatting, Jeanie's friend, Mike starts talking about a comedian who makes fun of his four-year-old daughter, saying things like, "she's a douchebag.  She made me late once because she refused to put on her shoes.  How is that ok!?"  And I interjected, "Well that makes sense to me.  I've been saying for years that kids are selfish.  Like, the day a kid asks me about my day instead of whining and demanding a juice box...What if that's how I interacted with other people?!"

Someone Else: "Oh man, I had the worst day, I'm so tired..."
Me: "Don't care.  Put on teletubbies, get me some graham crackers and while you're at it, clean up my excrement."

Yeah, I don't think so.

Anyway, my point, if I have one, is that, I dig kids.  I love how honest and unapologetic and real they are (like someone else we know, right?)   But I'm not interested in them just yet.  Because right now, I'd be a mom like Brit, or worse, like Tiger Mom and that's bad news for everybody.

Brit Brit: The Anti-Parent

Pretty Much Everything to Avoid...

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